


Butter and honey

by Morethancupcake



Series: Honey and Butter [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Jealous!Cas, M/M, Recovery, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, a small thingy that could be sastiel, autistic!castiel I suppose, but it's just Sam being a sad puppy, jealous!Dean, past castiel/balthazar, past lisa/dean, photographer!Castiel, protective!Dean, warning for John Winchester not being a good day here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-10 00:12:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3269495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Castiel collects things. Flower petals he finds on his bedroom floor, probably brought by the wind. Pictures of trees, plants, mushrooms he sees during his walks in the forest. Different teas in beautiful old tins. John Winchester’s words, out of Dean’s mouth, like thorns in his heart."</p><p>Castiel is different. But between his bees, his pictures and his friend Sam, he's happy. Then comes Dean. Dean who's loud, and mean, but so beautiful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The second chapter is just a piece from Dean's POV, very angsty, just after their big fight. If you're feeling warm and nice now, maybe you shouldn't read it right away ?
> 
> As usual you can read this story here : http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/109765170819/butter-and-honey

"Two queens can’t raise a child right."

"It used to be good, with Lisa. Easy."

"Get the Hell out of my house."

"I get it, now. Why Balthazar left".

Castiel collects things. Flower petals he finds on his bedroom floor, probably brought by the wind. Pictures of trees, plants, mushrooms he sees during his walks in the forest. Different teas in beautiful old tins.

John Winchester’s words, out of Dean’s mouth, like thorns in his heart.

He knows he’s weird. He knows he’s different. His brothers and sisters all have find time to explain it to him. Some nicely, telling him it’s a thing to treasure about himself. Some not so nicely. He calls Gabriel almost everyday, and he doesn’t really miss the others.

Sam is his friend, and things are always easy with him. Sam doesn’t make fun of his bees, and the honey he keeps in jars, neatly ordered in case he needs to give some away. Sam smiles and eats at Castiel’s table, warm bread with dripping butter and honey, and they read in silence. Sam isn’t mean, Sam is always nice to him. Sam calls him a brother, and hugs him when he passes the door.

Selfishly, sometimes, Castiel wishes he could’ve been in love with the younger Winchester.

Dean is loud, and almost angry, all the time. The first time they kiss, it’s bruising, and he has to keep him away, he tries to escape, eyes wide. Dean Winchester is like the sun, and Castiel feels like he’ll burn, slowly, completely, not being able of looking away. Dean doesn’t understand Castiel needs the silence, sometimes. He doesn’t understand things are sometimes too difficult to process. He doesn’t understand what he’s feeling for the man with the too-big blue eyes.

Sam isn’t happy, when Dean grabs Castiel’s shoulders at the bar. The brothers fight, and he tells Dean he’ll never forgive him if he hurts Castiel.

Castiel doesn’t want Sam to stop talking to Dean, they are brothers. The good kind. They laugh, and they sing together, and even when they fight, there is so much love between them. Castiel grew up alone, with nannies and books. He doesn’t want Sam to be alone, so he doesn’t say a thing.

Dean looks at him as if he’s a puzzle, as if there’s something he has to do or say for Castiel to explain why he’s like this. Castiel tries to explain, tries to tell him he’s broken, he’s different, and Dean’s eyes are mad, so he goes back to the bees, and tea in his kitchen. Dean brings him a warm loaf of bread, from the bakery Sam loves so much, and he looks at Castiel with something else in his eyes. Something like the way he loves Sam, but different. Burning.

When they’re alone together, Dean is almost nice. He takes care of Cas in a gruff way, as if he’s embarassed by it.

Gabriel isn’t happy on the phone. He calls Dean names, and tells Castiel to be safe, to go away before he gets hurt. Castiel doesn’t tell him about the times when Dean drinks too much, and his father’s words fall easily from his mouth.  
Castiel doesn’t tell him about the phonecall to Balthazar, Castiel asking him if he’s the reason for their break-up. If he’s really too broken for anyone to love him.

Balthazar and Dean hate each other now. Castiel doesn’t really know how it’s possible, but Sam tells him about a fight, and he looks at Castiel with big sad eyes, asking him if it’s true, if Dean really did say these things to him. Castiel doesn’t see why everyone is making a big deal of things. He is different. He is too difficult to care for. That’s probably why his parents never tried.

Sam’s eyes are huge and sad.  
Sam’s lips taste like the whiskey he was drinking and tears. They taste warm, and sweet, and wrong.

In the morning he apologizes, and Castiel smiles because Sam is his friend, probably his best friend, and there’s very little he could do to change that. Castiel explains to him things like that do happen, sometimes, and he shouldn’t be embarassed. They laugh.

Sam Winchester gives the best hugs.

Dean sends his friend Benny with peace offerings.

Warm apple pie, with “He’s trying to apologize, but he thinks you need your space right now.”  
A bag of donuts, the glaze sticky on Castiel fingers, with “He’s trying to be sober, but it’s never easy, you know.”  
Carrot cake, moist and rich, with “Dean just wants to know if you’re okay.”  
Lemon cake, buttercream icing creamy and thick, with “He wants you to know he never meant any of it.”

He writes them all in little pieces of paper he hides behind the jars.

The food is delicious, Benny is very talented. Castiel doesn’t eat much, but he shares them at the gallery, or with Balthazar who visits more, and snarls mouth full of cake before instulting Dean.

"You deserve better, Cassie. You deserve someone who sees you for the angel you are. Not an ape with no sense."

Sometimes, he hugs Castiel for a long time, saying things like “I didn’t left beceause of you. It was never because of you. You’re perfect, just as you are.” Castiel likes Balthazar, he makes him laugh, he’s inapropriate, and seeing him doesn’t hurt like it used to, a lifetime ago. A time before Dean.

On the last day of march, Benny stops by with a plate covered in foil. The beignets are a little loopsided, they don’t look quite right, but they’re still warm and they smell heavenly. “He made these for you.” The man says, and Castiel finally notices how kind his eyes are. “He wants you to know he’s in love with you.”

Benny goes back with two jars of honey. A very creamy one, for him, Andrea and the kids. And a jar of the dark one, heady and strong, for Dean.

Castiel likes the hospital. He knows people always disagree with him, but he likes the smell and the order. It makes him feel safe, cared for. He needs to check in regularly, that’s the only thing Gabriel and him are fighting about. Castiel is sensitive, not sick, but he comes to the hospital anyway, and he talks with Chuck about his life. About his work, and his pictures. About Sam, and Dean, and everyone. A year ago, he was talking about the trees, and rose petals. Now his stories are about people, living, breathing. He doesn’t talk about Dean loving him. He’s not sure he believes it.

Dean gets him tea, and his hands are shaking a little. He doesn’t go to the Roadhouse anymore, he can’t, but he loves the coffeshop, and Benny’s cake are still as amazing as Castiel remembered.

Dean is sorry, and this Castiel believes. He begs for forgiveness, he tells Castiel he was never a burden, he tells him he regrets it. Everything. He calls him Cas, and he takes his hand in front of everyone. He whispers how lost he is without him. Castiel doesn’t understand. He tells Dean it’s okay, he gets it now. He’ll never be Lisa, he’ll never be what Dean needs, and Dean shouldn’t try to change him. The green eyes are full of tears, and Castiel wipes them away, feeling so lost because Dean isn’t supposed to cry.

Dean asks about Sam, and the kiss.  
Dean asks about Balthazar.  
Dean needs demons to slay, he needs a reason, an explanation, and when Castiel gives him one, a sob escapes him and there’s even more tears clouding the green eyes.

"They are nice to me. They’re not afraid of loving me."

Castiel heart breaks at the way Dean is shaking in his arms when he cries.

In the morning, after a night on Dean’s couch, he’s woken up by the smell of tea, and warm bread, butter and honey. Dean kisses his cheek on their way to work.

Dean is like the sun, warming Castiel slowly, like the light he can see when he’s under the bigger trees.

Now when he’s back from the forest, Dean makes him burning bowls of tomato soup, and he takes care of the laundry Castiel keeps forgetting about. Now his bed smells like Dean fabric softener, and sometimes, not very often, Dean looks at his lips before focusing back on their discussion.

Dean holds his hand when they’re walking to the coffee shop, or when they’re in line to get pizzas. He puts his scarf around Castiel’s neck when the night is cold, and he’ll walk him back to his door, everytime.

One night, because of the pouring rain, the cold, and the dozens of excuses they find, Dean ends up curled around him in his bed, warm and smelling like his soap. They kiss, slowly, in the dark, and Castiel can feel tears on Dean’s cheeks. This kiss wasn’t like the other, punishing, and Dean says, voice tight “This should’ve been our first.” Castiel closes his eyes and keeps him close.

Sam’s birthday is loud. Very loud. There’s people everywhere, his friends from college, people from their childhood, lots of alcohol. Castiel doesn’t really like it. Jo is probably a little in love with Dean, the way she angrily flirts with the light-aired man, and throws him dirty glances across the room. Castiel doesn’t know anyone, really, because Benny left early, and the others aren’t interested in him. It’s stuffy, and he feels like running away. He gets his coat, and leaves. A part of him knows he shouldn’t, knows he sould’ve said goodbye, but he can’t. Dean runs, and gets to him before he’s too far. He kisses him softly, craddling his head between his palms, and helping him breathe. They talk in the dark, and Castiel realizes he’s in love.

He waits a few more days, and tells Dean over breakfast, a nice and warm Sunday ahead of them. Dean kisses the honey from his lips, and his eyes are like green amber. They don’t talk as much as they used to, Dean learning the silence, and how to convey what he means with just a finger aginst Cas’ wrist, a whisper of his lips against a ear. Castiel, in exchange, spends time at the house, and learns how what he used to consider a nuisance can be reassuring. Heavy steps in the stairs, the smell of bacon in the morning, his clothes on Dean’s taller frame. He learns the chaos can sometimes be as comforting as watching the bees, and when he has no purpose in Dean’s house, he’s here and it makes them happy. So he stays.

One night, in Dean’s bed, they make love.

It changes nothing and everything.

Balthazar still hates Dean. Who hates him right back.

Sam is still his best friend. They still go on walks, and read in silence, cuddling on the couch at Dean’s complete despair.

Benny brings them sweets, and Castiel watches his boyfriend, his man, eyes shining and happy.

Castiel cries when he leaves his small appartment, so much Dean offers to pay for it, but it’s silly, and childish. Castiel is terrified, but he pushes himself, and doesn’t regret it. He misses the flower petals the most.

Now his honey jars are neatly placed in one of the kitchen cupboards, and his books bring life to the old study upstairs they don’t know what to make of. He sometimes drink coffee, and steals bacon from Dean’s plate. They fight about silly things, like the way Castiel hogs the covers, or the way Dean uses all the hot water in the morning. They fight about annoying things, like the way Jo still puts her hand on Dean, or the way Sam sometimes gets between them without thinking. They fight about difficult things, the times Dean buys a bottle on his way home, or the way Castiel forgets to come home, lost in the grass and the trees.

Castiel collects different things. He collects the little marks on his skin, and smiles when he remembers how he got them. He keeps the flowers Dean brings him sometimes, and presses them into heavy books. He still takes pictures of trees, of the grass or the mushrooms. But he takes pictures of Dean, too, lost with him into the forest.

He listens to his lover’s words, and he keeps them close to his heart. Dean isn’t a man of words. But he knows how to listen.

"Come on, Cas. Let’s go back home."

"I made you that awful tea you love so much, and there’s bread warming up."

"We should take a bath. With bubbles. And then go to bed."

"Hey Cas… what about a nursery ?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fight.

"Get the Hell out of my house."

Castiel's eyes are suddenly full of tears, and Dean feels bad. He feels awful doing this, but Castiel is so frustrating, sometimes, and all he can think about is how better things were before. And that's exactly what he tells him. 

"Things were perfect before you showed up. I can't deal with you anymore, man. I don't have to. Get your stuff and go." Castiel isn't moving. He's still wearing that stupid shirt Sam got him, and his hair is even more a mess than usual. He looks around, as if unsure of what to do. "I get it now, why Balthazar left. You're just too much to handle." 

He went too far. He knows it. He can see it. It's in the way Cas' shoulders suddenly slumps. It's the way is eyes are a little unfocused now. Cas' nods a few times before passing him by. His bag is still in the guest room, on the floor. Dean had been so happy, seeing it. Castiel was going to stay. He was celebrating. With a drink. Then two. He always forgets how scotch makes him a replica of his father.

Now he stands in the kitchen, and he's so mad. He can't really remember why, but he's pissed, and he wants to hurt, and it's easier than thinking about what he said. Castiel doesn't come back to say goodbye. Dean hears his footsteps to the door. He shouts, one last blow. 

"Leave your fucking key." 

Castiel is gone.

 

Ash enters the house, few minutes after. "Seriously, Dean, you need to take better care of your boyfriend." Dean snaps out of it, because he's pretty sure Ash didn't hear any of that, or there would be much more yelling on his part. He deserves to be yelled at.

"Yeah ?" He breathes in and out, and slowly lets the weight of what he's said sink in. He can't believe he brought up Balthazar. He can't believe he went there. 

"Saw him leave. The poor guy was shaking so bad his keys fell into the snow several time. You could've offered him a coat or something at least. Anyway, what's for dinner ? Wasn't he supposed to stay this week-end or something ?"

Dean makes them a huge dish full of lasagna, and while it's cooking, the house smelling like tomatoes and cheese, he tries to call Cas. He calls. And again. Cas never answers. On his last try, just before going to bed, Castiel picks up. Or so he thinks.

Balthazar tells him to fuck off, and never to call back.

**Author's Note:**

> The second chapter is just a piece from Dean's POV, very angsty, just after their big fight. If you're feeling warm and nice now, maybe you shouldn't read it right away ?
> 
> As usual you can read this story here : http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/109765170819/butter-and-honey
> 
> Fell free to like, reblog, leave kudos, send me messages. It makes my day :)


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